Morning | Saturday, October 15th, 2022 | Cruise Ship

Faye Santos

My stomach still felt a bit queasy but I try not to let it bother me. I go back into the bathroom and there it was, Eric’s shiny new wheelchair, the one we bought specifically for this trip, parked in the center facing the vanity. It’s hard to explain why the mere sight of it startled me.

I pressed the button that began to pull back the black-out curtains and took a better look outside. Ah, we have arrived in Puerto Vallarta. Eric and I had visited this beautiful seaport city years ago when we were in grad school, I think that was when I knew that I was really in love with him for the first time. 

I sat down by the coffee table, trying to fully wake up. My fingertips grazed the dainty little envelope that the tall butler gave me. It smelled of sugar pine, and that reminded me of our first Christmas together. That December, Eric had gotten me my first real tree and laughed so hard when I commented on how the tree was “scented”. 

I peel open the envelope and inside I found a handwritten note from Eric. My Eric, my husband. Oh how I love him. I unfolded the note and could feel my cheeks being pulled back by my silly grin. It said: 

Good morning my love, 

Marrying you was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I love you more than life.

Yours always, E

I brought the note to my heart and closed my eyes. We have had a rough year, that much is true. But now we were finally married. A fresh start… yes, that’s what we committed to. We will take everything as a couple from now on. Nothing will be so big that we can’t handle together. 

My throat felt dry and I coughed. Even though we were surrounded by water, the heavily air-conditioned room had been messing with my skin and sinus. I got up and reached for the glass of water that he put by my nightstand every night, no matter where we were, and saw that he had left out two pills: one yellow and gray, and the other one white. I took them and walked over to the large bathroom.

This bathroom was almost bigger than our master bath at home. The Penthouse Suite had been a generous wedding gift from my in-laws, presented as a compensatory gift to allow them to tag along. I didn’t mind them coming of course, I thought it was sweet of them to offer, the fact was, if they did not come, Eric and I may not have been able to come either. I felt it was too soon after Eric’s accident to do something big like this, but he had insisted on keeping our original plan. It aches me to think how much he loves me, and it aches even more when I think of how he must be feeling about his new condition. Eric had never been a burden to anyone, ever the independent and self-reliant creature... But now, he would need someone to help him with the most basic tasks for the rest of his life. 

But at least, that person will be me. I love him so much that I will carry him on my back if I needed to. But first, I needed to get better, I needed to take better care of myself.

I dropped the two pills down the toilet and flushed. I am feeling better. I don’t need the pills anymore. I don’t want to take more medication for fear of missing out on another day, and I don’t want my emotions to be dulled on our honeymoon. What I need is my husband. 

My ring finger bent toward my palm and my thumb grazed over my rings - the emerald engagement ring now had a diamond wedding band tucked beside it. I smile. I was still not used to thinking myself as a married woman. But this was still new, the wedding had only been just over a week ago, and we have only began our honeymoon. I miss him, where is he?

I walked back to the nightstand to reach for my phone. I dialed him on my cell, it rang but he did not answer. The voice mail picked up, the greeting was the new one we made the night of the wedding, before things turned sour…

“Hello (my voice)! Hello (his voice)! You have reached the voice mail of Mr. And Mrs. Santos… (my giggles)… We’re off to our honeymoon so please leave a message.” We had said in unison. 

Cell reception has been spotty since we got on the ship, but we were docked now, and should have perfect service. So I call my mother-in-law Lorie instead, maybe Eric was with his parents.

“Hello darling!” Lorie’s cheerful voice came through after just one ring.

“Hi, good morning Lorie.” I say, my voice still coarse from the dry AC air.

“Are you feeling a bit better? We were all so worried when you couldn’t join us for dinner last night. Huh? Hang on darling.” Lorie said and then sounded like she was speaking to someone sitting by her. “Okay I’m back. Sorry hun, that was Tustin suggesting that you and Eric should come down and join us at the cantina. What is it called honey? Oh yes, the Agua Azul.”

“Oh.” I was disappointed to learn that Eric was not with them. 

“Is everything all right?” Lorie sounded alarmed. I have always been impressed with her immediate mother instinct.

“Yes I… I just woke up actually, and Eric isn’t here. I called his cell, he didn’t pick up. So I called you. I thought maybe he was with you.”

“Oh,” Lorie was silent for a moment, “Well I’m sure he’s just out getting brunch or something. I’m sure he will call you back soon.”

“Yeah, I… yes I think he will.”

“Well, do let me know when he comes back or if he calls you back.”

“Yes, of course. Okay, enjoy the cantina. I’ll see you guys later.” I hung up and sat down on the sofa. I decided to send Eric a text:

Morning love! I’m up, where are you? <3

I watched as the blue message was delivered. Then I see a light by my feet. I bent down to look. There was a cell phone, and a wallet, Eric’s cell phone and wallet. I picked them up and looked at his phone. Besides my text, it was showing the missed call from me, an earlier missed call from Lorie, and another number with 805 area code that I did not recognize.  I suddenly feel cold and hot at the same time, my forehead is damp from sweating and my hands felt icy. I need air. 

I go out to the veranda and inhaled. I’m not having a panic attack, am I? Oh no, not now. Not now. Breath, Faye, you can control this. Just imagine Eric here, his hands holding mine. Breath… ten… nine… eight… I open my eyes and let the sun in. The sunlight warms my clammy body. I’m okay, Eric’s okay, I know it. I have nothing to worry about. Nothing to worry about, it’s all just in my head. 

I go into the bathroom and splashed water on my face. I look into the mirror and tried to smile. A healthier reflection was smiling back at me. The past is in the past… we’ve moved beyond it. A fresh start, yes, he wouldn’t let anything else bad happen to us again. I’m sure there’s a good reason for all of this. But where could Eric have gone and not bring his phone or wallet? He has to be on board still since he wouldn’t need his wallet to pay for any food or drink on the ship. He is probably lounging on the top deck, that’s where we spent time before I got sick yesterday. I changed into a pretty yellow dress I had packed for our honeymoon voyage and darted out the door.

I got to the top deck, it’s a gorgeous day, and I instantly feel better. I go to the front of the ship to get a closer look at the coastline. Although it did not look entirely differently from Santa Barbara, it feels thoroughly different. Things moved slower here, not just less rushed but with more grace and tradition. And it reminded me of my hometown Girona. 

I look around a bit, hopeful that I could spot Eric. I assure myself that there is a perfectly good reason why he didn’t take his cell phone and wallet. Even though it bothered me to know that Eric had never been a scatter brain. Whatever the reason, it must be a good one though. My husband is brilliant. He does everything with premeditation. He is always prepared.

After an hour walking around the ship and looking for him, I became increasingly nervous. I go back to the suite to see maybe Eric had gone back. I wish I had left his cell phone there so he could have called me if he did. But the suite was empty and doesn’t look like anyone has been there. I call Lorie again.

“Hi darling,” Lorie said after one ring, “Have you found Eric?” 

“Hey Lorie,” I say, feeling tears well up in my eyes, “No, I tried looking for him and didn’t see him anywhere. I’m back in our suite and doesn’t look like he’s been back.”

“Oh… oh okay, well, tell you what, Tustin and I will come back and we’ll get in touch with the someone who can help.” 

I nod even though she can’t see me, “Okay, yeah I’ll wait for you in our suite, maybe he will be back soon.”

“Okay sweetie, we’ll be right there.”

I take out Eric’s phone again and saw that there was another missed call from the 805 number I did not recognize, just now while I was on the phone with Lorie. I search for the number online and did not find anything helpful, not even a Spokeo account turned up. I thought about dialing the number back, but thought better of it. Eric could be back in a few minutes and I don’t want to have intruded on his privacy and add paranoia onto the list of things he has become weary of me. 

So I go out on the veranda and wait. I close my eyes and try to recall last night before I passed out from the sleeping pills. I was beginning to drift off, and Eric was combing my hair with his fingers, whispering to me that he loved me. And I seem to remember there were tears in his eyes, and I wanted to ask him what’s wrong. Did I ask him out loud? Or was that already part of my dream? I get a sinking feeling that Eric was trying to tell me something, and I wish I was aware enough to find out what it was. 

I open my eyes and look out to the vast ocean, seeing where space and time meet and expand into infinity. Time… is an elastic thing. It goes so slowly when you’re waiting for something that may never come. I look at my watch and it’s only been five minutes. Lorie won’t get here for at least half an hour I think, I could barely contain my anxiety. 

I think back to the last time that Eric disappeared on me. It was the three days before my birthday, we had made plans to go out to our favorite restaurant downtown,  The Palace Grill, at eight. But when it was half pass seven and he was still not home and I could not reach him by phone, I started worrying like crazy. Turned out that he had a flat tire and his cell phone died - which was perfectly normal, and reasonable albeit unfortunate thing to have happened. He borrowed the phone at the auto shop to let me know, and by the time he came home, it was almost nine. But he had picked up a bottle of our favorite Pinot Noir, the one we had first in Monterey, and he had picked a bouquet of flowers. 

He just had a way to make everything better, and he was so good at soothing me, caring for me. Even the time we got stranded in Park City and couldn’t get an Uber back to our hotel forty-five minutes away, he managed to convince our bartender to give us a lift. His generosity and charm always went a long way, and seemed to bend people to his will. I assured myself that no matter what sort of unsavory situation that he could have gotten himself in, he could get himself out… but then again, after the accident he hadn’t quite been the same confident man I fell in love with. 

I miss that man but somehow I love him even more now. He doesn’t understand this, but I do, you don’t love someone despite their flaws and shortcomings, do you? No. You love them because of their flaws… their vulnerabilities. Never had I needed to be the strong one in our relationship, but I promised myself that I would become strong for Eric. Especially since I could not be strong for Henri.

I heard a knock on the door and sprinted to it. It was Lorie, by herself. She hugs me and held me tight for a second.

“You look good, better.” She said, her eyes smiling, and that soothed me right away. My mother-in-law Lorie is a beautiful woman. She had Eric when she was only twenty-three, which makes her just over fifty now, but she looked ten or maybe fifteen years younger. Her personality is also unmatched. Ever since our first meeting, which I had been extremely nervous about, she had been nothing but thoughtful and considerate. No wonder Eric held his mother at such high esteem. Ever the mama’s boy he is, but I don’t even mind it. Lorie is a lovely person and I’m lucky to have her. 

I nod, and try to smile. “He’s still not here. He left his phone and wallet when he left this morning so I couldn’t even try to reach him. I looked everywhere, the pool, the restaurants, even the gym.”

“Okay, it’s okay, let us think about this.” Lorie led me to the sofa and we sat down. “Do you know what time he left this morning?”

I shake my head, “I woke up at around ten. Not long before I called you. He was already gone by the time I got up.”

“It’s already half pass noon.” Lorie checked her watch. “We should call somebody.”